On this day, I lost a person that meant a whole lot to me. I lost my aunt. I lost her to lung cancer.
As My Aunt
I guess some people may be wondering - "its just your aunt, why are you so upset?" The answer is, although she is my aunt but the way she loves me, or should I say every single one of us, is like we're her children. Will your unmarried aunt, quit her full-time job, just to stay home to fetch you to kindergarden because some-naughty-kid-slammed-the-door-of-the-school-van-on-your-6y/o-hand-and-it-bled-and-worried-your-parents-AND-you're-too-old-your-nanny-doesn't-want-to-take-care-of-you-any-more? My aunt did. Although that was not the only reason but after quitting her job, her main responsibility became taking care of my sister and me.
Since my car-door-nearly-chopped-my-fingers incident, my aunt was the one that picked me up from kinder everyday and that was 1999. She continued doing that until I went to Melbourne in 2012. Not only that, she was the one who drove me to attend all my tuitions, St John trainings, outings with friends yada yada yada. On the eve of my St John competitions, my team and I would spend the night at her house where she would help us with all the uniforms and everything all the way till midnight. Competition was stressful for her just as it was for me.
When I was still in school, it was either morning school or afternoon school. My parents will have to be late to work if they had to drop me at school and at the same time, they didn't want to leave me at school alone too early. So in the end, my aunt volunteered to drop my sister and I at school everyday. The problem? I was in the morning session and my sister in the afternoon. Even that, she picked us up like our personal chauffeur and she never complained. There were also years that I stayed at my aunt's house instead of with my parents. Just like child care, I will go home on weekends but stayed throughout weekdays. I remembered having an allergic reaction one night while I was staying with my aunt. I went to her room in the middle of the night with a swollen arm and she freaked out so bad, she and my parents drove me to SDMC at 1 or 2am.
She's an angel. She loves not only me, she loves all her siblings and every niece and nephew she has. If there's any problem that we can't solve, she'll be there. To help us in every way she can. She'd always put us before herself. Everything she did, she would have already thought how it would impact us and consider the consequences.
*
Her Story
My aunt was diagnosed with an ovarian tumour in 2008. We all thought she was gaining weight and did not pay much attention to her until... it hurts. When she finally went to a clinic, the doctor thought she was 5 months into pregnancy until she mentioned that she wasn't married. She came back with the news that she had a 11 inch tumour.
I couldn't remember the details of what happened but I know that her reproductive system was removed and the tumour cells tested positive for cancer. Started chemo therapy and she lost her hair. Even when she was weak from chemo, she wore a hat and drove me to school and for my tuition classes. At that time, she lost so much weight and became well.. my size except chubbier. The tumour cell counts fluctuated for the next few years that she had to come and go to the hospital every year or two for chemotherapy. Her last chemo session was 26th of February 2013, 2 days before heading to Melbourne with me.
It hit me hard when I knew she had lung cancer in April 2013. When diagnosed, it was already quite late. The cancer stripped her of her chubby figure.. again. Feeding her with more pain and suffering. By the time I rushed back in September, she was so skinny I was sure the wind will blow her away. Like seriously. At that time, she could still walk, talk and still eat proper food. It was so hard to say goodbye because I don't know whether it will be my last time hugging her.
The last 1.5 months. I came back on the 24th of November. She was even skinnier. Its like her bones were wrapped with only a layer of skin and nothing else. I was heartbroken. I took care of her throughout the day. We all had shifts. I always took the morning 7am - 11pm shift. I am not kidding, for me and my sister, our shifts are 16 hours long. And my youngest aunt will take the night shift which is actually even more tiring compared to our 16 hours. I helped her with her food, her bath, cleaning after her and almost every other daily routine that you can possibly think of. Yes, I clean the portable toilet too. So yes, I did everything.
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Walking Towards The End
As her carer, I can see how fast her body is deteriorating. It was really jaw-dropping. About 2 weeks after I came back, she decided that she's too weak to even frequent the toilet (hence, portable toilet) and she has to be wheeled to her room which is less than 20m from the living room. And around that time, she started giving up on rice. It was substituted with porridge.
Another week later, around mid-December, my aunt decided that she has to be dependent on the oxygen-machine. Her lungs could no longer cope with the low concentration of oxygen in the air we breathe. She became more depressed and easily agitated - which could have been a side effect of the endless amount of medication she was consuming. She was given steroids to strengthen herself and guess what, it actually worked! (for 3 days) She was strong, she was cheerful, she was happy and so were we.
On the 23rd of December, we took her to SDMC for tapping of the abdomen. To get the fluid out of her bloated abdomen to "ease" her pain. 4.5L of fluid was taken out and guess what, she felt worse. The procedure weakened her so much more. She slept more often and she dreaded the time that didn't pass. By Monday, the 29th of December, she became bed-bound. She decided that walking and even sitting was too much for her to handle. She stayed in bed all day, either sleeping or watching tv. The amount of food that she requested became lesser and lesser. Morphine was requested more frequently that it should be administered. We all started crying every time we enter her room because looking at her suffer is such a heartbreaking thing. It was so hard to endure. And she said she wanted to go. She wanted to sleep and never wake up. She wanted to leave us because the pain was too overwhelming for her.
Sleeping at night was a problem. She couldn't sleep for more than an hour. She was restless. If you asked me how I spent my New Year's Eve, I'll tell you, I spent it with my aunt, I took both day shift and night shift that day. I watched dramas with her all the way till 5am. She was the first person that I wished Happy New Year to.
By 2nd January, she started refusing food. Drinking only small mouthful of water. No input, no output. By 3rd of January, she was... different. She could no longer talk. Her eyes started staring and never blinked. She flung her hands all over the place and couldn't stop kicking the bed frame. It was suspected to be the side effect of the morphine as she was dosing herself a bit more frequently than required. She stared. Stared into the unknown. That night, I held her hand, in tears, I said to her "Thank you for your love all these years, I love you" and all she did was stare into the space behind me, and pulled her hand away from my grasp. It was really a stab in the heart because I didn't know if she could still recognise me.
On the 4th, her eyes were closed throughout the day. The arms and the feet never stopped moving but her mind... I think it might be failing. I was supposed to meet a friend at noon and go for my hospital attachment shift at 9pm. I am glad I rejected both. Because she left us that night. Around 10.10pm, she opened her eyes for one minute and every single one of us gathered around her. She looked at us and took her last breath. I didn't even know that was it. I looked at my youngest aunt taking away the oxygen tube and froze right there, right then. I broke down. I couldn't believe that was it. I couldn't believe that she actually left. The aunt that I wanted to take care of in the future decided that she didn't want my care and left. I couldn't stop crying.
*
The Funeral
That moment when every single memory we had together all came rushing into my mind. I cried even more. I literally did not sleep that night. The living room was filled with blankets and pillows for almost everyone put a night there, to be with her on her last journey in life. We all sat by her, crying and praying at the same time. In the morning, when the people from Xiao En Memorial Park came with the tents and everything, I looked at the house, I remembered the time when my grandfather passed away exactly 10 years ago. The tents will be up, the prayers into the night, the people who will come and pay their respects.... But after 3 days, the tents will be gone and the house will have one less person.
On the second day after her passing, I woke up, freshen up and went over to my aunt's house. I walked passed the tents, walked passed the people, walked passed the coffin in the living room - I repeat, I walked passed the coffin and thought to myself "oh, I haven't wished ah yi good morning" so I walked to HER ROOM and waved my hand while smiling so widely and I realized that I was waving to air. She wasn't there and her bed wasn't even there any more. It was a really heartbreaking moment. I walked passed the coffin and forgot she was in there. I forgot that she left...
Looking at the coffin in the living room. Looking at my aunt in there. It was a real pinch. As childish as I may sound, I kept hoping that she would wake up. Throughout the three days, I kept telling myself that its not over, she will wake up and it will all be a dream. Even with tears in my eyes, I didn't want to except the cruel truth that she is no longer with us. Every time of the day, when I miss her, I walked to the coffin and talked to her, hoping that she did hear every word I said. My cousin brothers were such sweet boys, Jiaxun - the older brother, asked me if GuGu will be in a better place if he copied mantras and sent them her way. Jiasen, the youngest, pulled me to my aunt's side and told me that he wanted to sing for GuGu, he asked if she would be able to hear him singing and would she wake up if he sang for her. It was so hard for me to hold back the tears.
Cremation. The day came for her cremation. Before they sealed the coffin, we all left flowers. When I left mine, I felt the cold and stiffness of her body. Still, I couldn't accept it. All the way to Nilai, I looked out the window, trying to remember everything about my aunt. And that's when I realized, I never knew what she liked, I don't know what food she liked, I don't know what clothes she liked, I don't know what she enjoyed doing during her free time. I only know her favourite colour and what she does best - taking care of everyone. Besides that, every weekend, we would go out together. For as long as I can remember, the 5 of us, my family and her. Every weekend without fail. I will miss those outings so much. Nothing will ever be the same without her.
The day we went to collect the bones. I looked at what my "Ah Yi" has become. Fleshless bones. All crushed and filled into a marble vase. At that moment, I know, its over. I can no longer lie to myself. She will no longer be with us in person but I hope she will stay in everyone's heart, forever.
*
Life After Losing Her
This house, how I first remembered it - it used to be such a merry place. I would be here after kindergarden, if my aunts weren't working, they would be here to play with me. Or if they were, then my grandmother will help me with my shower and everything. In the afternoon, my grandfather will be home and I would fight with him to watch Disney Channel. In the evening, all the adults would come back from work. The house would be so loud and noisy. We will sit and have dinner together. Back then, my sister and I were the only children in the house.
Slowly, my uncles started having families of their own and started moving out one after the other. My grandfather left and that big house accommodated only two of my aunts and my grandmother. Now, there's again, one less to accommodate.
The silence is so hard to bear. My aunt used to walk around the house doing all the chores and running all the errands. Now, everyone has to do a part to keep this house alive but in the day, this house is just.. different. Ah yi's things are no where to be seen. They took away her things too fast. Most of her things were either taken by us who could fit or wanted as a memory of her. Those that were not taken were given away as donations. I was again, forced to let ago another part of her. Actually, what most of us got used to was the sound of her oxygen machine - it had a special rhythm when its operating. Its like life lost when we started sinking into all the silence in this house.
I don't want to forget that such a wonderful person once existed in my life. I blame myself for not being able to remember how she looked like when she was healthy. Even photos couldn't help me because the change was too drastic. I never regretted staying by her side for the 1.5 months that I was back here in Klang. I took care of her in the way that I could and I did my best. My aunt showed me how to love. Or another way of saying it - how much love I had. Seeing the amount of love I could pour for my aunt, I know I will be able to take good care of my loved ones in the future.
Ah Yi, you have touched my heart so deeply, I assure you, I'll keep you in there forever.
You will always be with us, you will be deeply missed.
Love you, always.
