Nuuuuz.

So, I finally got to know how it feels like to not know if you're gonna pass that exam or not kind of feel.

It feels like hell. A real hell.

Today's paper was a total... Piece of clean shit. Clean because I left a few questions blank. Shit because I am in deep shit. I studied so damn hard. I really did. But I guess I used the wrong studying method? I really don't know anymore.

When 3 cups of coffee failed to wake me up. I take this. And well, it doesn't really work either. But I have 30 bottles I think. 15 for each semester. And I bet you finally understand why I have so much luggage when I came back to Melbourne this year.

Screw the exams. Its over already anyway. Can't do anything about it besides hoping that I have enough marks to pass the paper. Please please please, let me pass!

It has been a really tiring week. I am physically and mentally drained. I really need some sleep. Its only a fine line that separates sanity and mental breakdown. And I am definitely walking on that line right now. Should start taking desperate measures to pull myself back together!

Target of the night: Get 8 hours of sleep.

Tomorrow target: Finish all 25 lectures for Basis of Drug Action.

Must do it right!

And lastly, am blessed to have friends like them. Thanks for the words of encouragement! And also for whatsapp-ing me all those photos just to distract me/cheer me up, thanks a lot, I really appreciate it :D 2 more units left! :)

Poop.

The best image to summarize today's exam paper.

Ok, this is my last complain about today's paper. Enough. Life goes on.

Now I have to work extra hard for my last two subjects so I can make up for today's misfortune. Grrr.

I don't care.

Sometimes it is better not to know what's on other people's mind. Because once you know, you can never stop thinking about it.

Easier said that done. I can say I don't care but I keep having thoughts about it. 

"Oh no, I feel bad" 

"Oh no, what are they gonna do" 

"Oh no, I am doomed"

...

Until one day, I gave up.

I seriously can't be bothered by their complains. I wasn't brought up by my parents to serve you. You can complain all you want but I am who I am. Sometimes I seriously feel like shouting at them. You have no right to treat me that way because my world does not evolve around you. You are just a small piece of land on my planet. Why I give last minute notices? Well, frankly, if you have been listening to what I've said all this while, then you would have known that I mentioned it to you at least 2 months ago. And, just so you know, I KNEW their reaction would be like that and that's why I chose to tell you AFTER my exams instead of before or during the exam week.

I came back to help because I respect the family. I didnt come back because I miss the kids. I am very happy with my new life in the house. Laughing day and night. Enjoying the me-time. I'm spending three days and two nights back here. I won't say I wasted my time because I know I am being useful by be able to help the family. But I just don't like how I am being treated like a scumbag by the cousins. I wish they'd be more polite. They want me to be around but they don't freaking respect me or listen to me. She said "who are you to order us around? You are not our mother, we can do anything we want, this is OUR house, not yours!" It was so hard to hold back what I wanted to yell in her face. I nearly - I mean I opened my mouth but shut it straight away - threw swear words in her face. I mean, Hello?! I am 10 years older than you, can you at least respect my presence? Since you don't appreciate it, why are you asking me to come back? WHY?!

Why do I still have to face these kind of situations, I really don't get it. I was taught to never ever ruin any relationship be it to a friend or a family member because things happen, one day you might regret all these silly arguments. I hope I've served my purpose here these three days and that I can go home tomorrow. I really dont feel like staying here till Sunday. *sigh!*

My bad.

Sometimes. Sometimes.

People take you for granted. 

People expect more of you but does not care for you like how you cared for them. People think they own you and you are to listen to every freaking thing they say.

Sometimes. Sometimes.

I feel used.  

I feel like I do not need to care for them simply because they never cared for me. I feel like I am a slave to people whom I did not recognise as my masters.

Sometimes. Sometimes.

Never was I appreciated. 

Never was I remembered when there were events going on unless my help is needed. Never did I complain when I have to serve them because I know I have to depend on them in the near future.

Sometimes. Sometimes.

I feel so sad. 

I feel so depressed at why I have to work so hard to keep this relationship when others don't have to. I feel so disappointed in myself because I can't event stand up and defend myself.

My friends, My family.

* * *

Her.

Some friends saw my tweets and asked me why I hate her so much. Kids should be loved! I know, I love kids - love them a lot! But this one, is a really nasty case. You'll have to be in my shoes to understand. Today, I nearly yelled my lungs out at her! wtf. Disgust ttm! They say that she'll change, but it has been 3 years now. Every year she comes back, she never changes, every year I am counting down the day till she leaves. But this year, it's different, I'll be seeing her for the whole year! Make that 4 years! You cannot imagine how painful it is for me. Even thinking about it makes me feel like crying. I've never had this strong feeling of "I-must-stay-away-from-this-person-or-I'll-die" before. Sigh * infinity.

家家有本难念的经。 

This is the only thing in life that I am not thankful about. 

In fact, I HATE LIVING MY LIFE LIKE THIS! >:(

YOU!

Tan Zhi Han!

Of all the things you're good at, you're good at embarrassing yourself!

Why am I so good at it? I have no idea.

the 11th day of the year and I have a new entry for my "Most Embarrassing Moments" list.

I'm just too good :(

*sigh*

Sorry for making everything look bad :(

But a big thank you to everyone who cared. :]

I hope it'll never happen again.

Bravo!

I don't think the lottery bell has been so kind on me before.

I am having a sore throat, I think fever is coming for a visit and my nose wants to run away.

All this, before the 9th! Wtheck.

*please-let-me-be-a-o-k-by-tomorrow-morning!*

Status: Dead and buried.

That's the current status of my maths.

I spent my day studying and working on maths yesterday and today, I woke up super early to work on it and still its as dead as ever.

I spent 4 hours to prepare my formula sheet and until now, its only partially done.

time flies. Time! Y_U_NO slow down?!

I told myself I'd take a nap at 3pm, who knew when I finished Chapter 6, I look at the clock, its already 4pm. Grrr!!!!

*sigh* Nehmind. I do not have high expectations for maths anyway.

Shall look forward to shouting merdeka tomorrow! xD
free from exams for a month! But I dont like that get-back-shitty-exam-papers part. D:

AND!
I regretted not going for Siemens Run! The medal is so unique! And I need the exercise!
Daddy has been too busy lately to bring me go jogging and I am not allowed to go on my own :O

Picture from Xin Yi's Facebook. xD

Till then :)

Maths.

of all subjects, I hate maths.

Maths' existence is to kill people like me.

A person who's not good in numbers.

too bad maths can't be memorized!
I HATE YOU MATHS!

Especially Differentiation and Integration!

jammed.

I should thank myself for the brain malfunction this morning.

Biology was suppose to be the easiest because you just have to memorize it and there, you have all the answers. I was suppose to score! What happened to me this morning? #FML

Mr. Alfred - "Go and bang wall and die."

Mr. Wong - "Klang river very near."

positive side, 1 more freaking subject.

Maths on Monday.

* * *

I'm so lost.

sometimes, I just feel like giving up.

There's no point going through all this anyways.

Depressed!

Never! 

I say NEVER! 

Never once in my 12 years of academic life hope for only a pass (core subjects la I mean) until today! #FML

This is depressing! :(

*facepalm*

mei you lian jian ren!

Studied so many freaking hours and only slept for 3.5 hours and I feel like I'm sitting for a foreign language paper!

I want to crap and fill in all the blanks but hell, I don't even know what to crap about! This is terrible. Seriously terrible.

I told my mum and got some nagging. Positive nagging - "Haiya! Then you should have watched TV all night instead of studying mah!"

Yeap, I should have done something else since almost everything that I revised yesterday and today didn't come out. PET scan, Photocopy machine, apa pun takda! Come out X-ray pulak! -____- #mournforphysics

Because I didn't know how to do the paper, I left many blanks and progressed super fast. Two Physics genius from my class sat beside me and they didn't know that I skipped a lot of questions, they saw me answering the 3rd paper in the 1.5hour slot and they panicked! GET THAT! I MADE THE GENIUS STUDENTS STRESSED! XD They thought they were slow, only to realize that I left many blanks. Haha!

Anyways, I'll be lucky if I even get a C. andddddd... I studied.. For an A!! 

SUAN LE BA! 10% fei liao.

Latest tweet on Twitter:

"shall mourn over my physics now. Wth. I should have watched TV and online all night. Whatever I studied yesterday didnt come out also -.-"

One day off! Shall make use of the extra 24 hours and study bio properly! I don't want to cry over Biology!

Goodbye, my dear A for Physics! #dang

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. - Ralph Waldo Emerson"

It's coming.

Yes, I can feel it.

THE S.T.R.E.S.S.!

Stress to me is

1. when I've studied so much and yet I cannot answer the exam questions

2. when I realized that there're details that I've missed and I am less than an hour from the exam

3. when (I know this is something bad but I am quite sure most students feel the same) I know that my friends have started studying and I have not started. Peer Pressure!

4. (this is worse) when I know that my friend who did not study as hard as I did and got super good results (envy + stress)

5. when I know that I'm stressed and put loads of pressure on myself and study till late at night and then, fall sick right before the exams. To my parents, this is called "kia su"

6. when my parents compare me with their colleagues' children or my super smart cousins. Call me "kia su"? Then why compare? D: 

Today is one of those days when Condition #1, #3 and #5 came to me. I felt like crying when I can't answer the questions in the past year papers. I am only 19 days away from my exam. *pulls hair* *face palm* *geram* oh, and when I am stressed, I eat. So, stress = getting fatter and fatter #phail #epicfail

must must must make use of the last four days of the holidays!

How good will it be if I can study at my table for at least 12 hours a day!

I am
#crazy #foreverfail 

These are
#thingsicantdo #stressingmeout !

disappointment

I can't believe you did that.

Instead of being angry at you, I'm just filled with disappointment.

What if that happened to you?

Don't go over the limit can?

I'm so disappointed in you.

*sigh*

Because..

I just Don't Understand!!

I don't understand why it is such a small issue but they have to make it a big one.

Seriously, as long as there is a way of settling this, I am more than willing to cooperate.

为什么就是不能一人做事， 一人当？

你不顾面子不表示我也和你一样

不负责任！

Why?!

FMLTTM!!!

why does all this always happen when I have deadlines?

why the hell did the computer kena virus? I didn't download anything at all!

fine, nevermind, at least I did not lose the files in my pendrive and I still have the computer at my aunt's house.

why when I go over to my aunt's house to borrow her computer, it says that USB Device not recognized?! All my documents are in there!!!! wth!

Hey, don't break down in front of me can? I'll cry in your face! I have 3 deadlines tomorrow and I have loads of homework. And the computer cannot be used?! This sucks ttm!

*breathe in*

*breathe out*

*chill. chill. chill.*

Fml.

No point complaining and stressing over this. Big waste of time.

Now I have to find a solution. What can I do..?

*chill-ed*

*thinking hard*

why?

Why is it always me?

It's so not fair.

wait..

Life's never fair.

I'm sick of always taking the blame when I did nothing wrong.

How I wish I can be the youngest in the family..

*Sigh!*

*whacks head!*

*whacks myself* x infinity!

Oh My Goodness! The workload from college is piling up so damn high. Okay, not literally piling. I mean I have more and more homework. I finish everything, go to school feeling so good, entered the 4/ 5/ 6 classes and when I go home, I have this super long and sad frown on my face. How nice.

I now have an extra blog to work on. Not my option. Its my Research Project. We have to post about our process on the project e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y! Hello! I don't even post 30 posts here in my actual blog! x___X

there's a biology quiz tomorrow and I still have to work on Maths and Chemistry homework. Not to mention I have to hand in a Physics report tomorrow (and my experiment FAILED lar! x( ). Its now the age of NO PROCRASTINATING and NO PHOTOCOPYING homework like I used to do in my past 11 years of school.

I am here because I need to Breathe! Hope I still remember what that is after a few more weeks of sheer 'joy'.

I am aiming high for my ATAR. So I will work harder than I ever did for my SPM. G B Me! (not KB me, okay? its God Bless Me)

gotta go! more online work waiting for me x(

jealousy :(

kids are always jealous.

or should I say, kids get jealous so easily.

My cousin brother is super jealous of his baby brother who gets all our attention.

my cousin sister is super jealous of the 3 younger-than-her cousins because she feels that they have my attention.

and note to that, it is OMG!

kids always think that they dont have enough attention.

which is quite true for my cousin sister's case because I dont like talking to her.

but its not true for my cousin brother but he's 4y/o, cant knock any sense into him anyways.

she cried for 3 times already regarding this matter and frankly I cant do anything.

because I am not going against my own will to laugh with her or play with her.

and that again, is because, she is bossy and mean to my sister and I.

to me, she's a big bully that enjoys pushing people around.

kids kids.

jealousy jealousy.

you're gonna have to get over it yourself.

look on the bright side and dont be so LOA.

I love kids, but not her. sorry.

oh, and I saw this quote,

"dont be sorry for being yourself."

so I am not sorry by neglecting her :]