The End of 2013

You have been a good year to me.

All the ups and downs I had to go through, every single one of those lessons taught me so much. Maybe even more than what I'm expecting to get from you.

Thank you.

January taught me to be happy and to appreciate the good times with my friends and my family. I remember saying "January was great. A good start to this new year".

February taught me how to appreciate the presence of my loved ones and most importantly, how to say goodbye. Goodbye has never been easy and we all know that. But most of the times, I guess we have to say goodbye so we can actually look forward to our next meet :)

March. I was taught to be more easygoing. We can't always be calculative. Being calculative kills literally every single relationship. I chose to let myself be happier and for my friends to be more joyful.

April told me that not everybody is given a chance to go for their dreams. I tried so hard looking for a job but none of fruitful. So now, I am trying to grasp my chance at everything. If I want something, I guess I'll have to make my move instead of waiting, and waiting and wait some more. 

May said to go out more, to explore and to widen my horizons. Oh, and definitely time management. I definitely tried more things than last year. Went out so much more often to chillax rather than just complaining about the work I had to do. I guess it was a better move.

June taught me to weigh the risks and benefits of everything I have to do. There are pros and cons in everything we do. There are some risks that we have to take, as long as we know that at the end of the day, we are happy with our decision :)

July wanted me to communicate better with others. Be patient, be more tolerant. Communication is the key to maintaining better relationships. And it really works, because I'm pretty close to my housemate now, compared to how we used to be :)

August gave me a job at a restaurant. I faced so many new challenges in this month. It was so tiring. Really really tiring and pretty stressful at the start. But I told myself, I needed the money. I also needed the experience. Not only that, I told myself, I cannot waste my time watching dramas any more. I should do something about it.

September showed me that life is fragile. Time flies and people change. The person that I last saw in March has become a person that I could not even recognised after half a year. It shook me hard when I realized that, when I go home one day, I will not see her at home any more. I was taught to be strong.

October came just as harsh as September. October said life shouldn't be easy. There are down-hills that I have to go through despite the consequences. I have to brace myself and pull my socks and get myself over hurdle after hurdle. And I still believe that everything happens for a reason.

November, november. November gave me the chance to be nice to myself. Enjoyed a meal out now and then, enjoyed a few day trips with my friends and most importantly, I was happy. Happy to be able to enjoy the good days after the bad.

December. The most important month. December taught me to love. To give more and take less. To do things out of love instead of responsibility. To be able to care for myself and at the same time care for those I care about. I find this lesson the most important one of the year. 

2013 has been a great year. Thank you. Thank you so much :) And now its time to close the book.

So.. 2014, I guess I am ready for you. I hope we'll get along really well. If not as well as 2013, then I hope its better! I'll see you in 45 minutes! :D

My thoughts in 40 hours.

Ok, maybe I had a 30-minute nap in between but generally I was up for 40 hours. I, myself, am impressed :P

I'll skip my family time and go straight to my night shift at Hospital Tengku Ampuan Rahimah. Its my first shift this summer but it already feels pretty familiar. The place, the wards and the atmosphere. By observing the patients and their family members, it always tells me to be thankful for what I have. To be happy with the life I was born with. To feel lucky to be able to afford slightly better healthcare. And for most parts, I am still trying to overcome my fear of blood. I am trying really hard, trust me. 

KPS's Area Competition 2013.

This is my first time attending Area Competition, not as a competitor that is. I've been promising to go since 2010 but I've never went because I had SPM Moral paper (2010), I went to the States (2011) and I had to balik kampung (2012). So finally, after so many years, I went for it. 

You know, I felt just as tensed as if I was a participant. Believe it or not, we don't know what to expect. Whether or not our juniors will be able to cope under the stress. A junior once told me "Senior, did you know the amount of stress that we are under? So far, no teams from Kwang Hua failed to enter competition, I hope our team will not be the first to break this tradition". What they didn't know was that there were quite a number of teams from Kwang Hua that lost in the past. Teams that were forgotten just because they lost and didn't get to give it a second try.

We have always been saying about how KH has always been winning and it is not as exciting and as worrying as it used to be back when we were competing because at that time, we had so many good competitors to go against. Our seniors always told us "eh, you must be careful of Bukit Kuda, MGS, STAJ and Raja Lumu! They have the best seniors and you must be prepared to compete with schools that were taught by officers and ex-state com participants". At that time, our seniors were only Area and State competitors but they did their best to teach us everything they can.

And honestly, the best part of yesterday was the winning of Batu Unjur's Nursing Cadet team. Congratulations :) Yes, its saddening that our cadet team lost by a mere 0.43% but when I think about how I won the State Competition by 0.25%, I decided to believe that its just purely luck. I was really sad to find out about the minute difference in the final score but what done, is done. Think of it more positively, SI is not the only competitor we have now. And seriously, other schools should now brave up and join area competition. You were given a real-life proof that KH does not always take the gold, we, can lose too. 

I am not saying this because I've never lost. I'm saying this because I lost more than any of them. I was lucky enough to be hand-picked by my seniors to represent KH and we were lucky enough that at that time, joining competition was a huge thing in KPS that we were treated like their most prized possessions. But my team, we never failed to disappoint all those friends and officers who placed their hopes on us. That's the worst stress to cope with - disappointing people who trusted you. 

Positive stress is always needed. If not, we will eventually start to take things for granted. Winning is not a given, neither is it a choice. I can't say there isn't effort but I'll say, maybe we need a little more luck, or maybe, others had a better chance.

In the end, everything happens for a reason.

Don't question the reason but take it to go another milestone.

Best wishes to all Kwang Hua-rians :)

Home.

Time flies ah flies.

I've finally moved back to my apartment. Finally really! *tears of joy*

It was ready right before our 3rd paper and we have to clean and rush to move hours before the paper. How awesome eh?

Here's a look of my crazy room. Lol. It was so messy when I moved everything back. It is still messy now but I can't be bothered to clean already. At least not until next week. Lol.

Before and after in 30 minutes. Including changing the bedsheets, pillows and vacuum-ing the floor. For now, I'm just gonna stay in this pig sty. Who cares :P

One more paper and then its freedom babeh.

And.. I can't believe that I am flying home in a week's time. Why so soon?! Honestly I am going to miss Melbourne so much. I wanna stay here longer. But oh well, some things are jut unavoidable :/

Wokays, time to go study now. I want to get more than just a "pass". I hope I can at least get a distinction. High distinction jiu suan liao but at least a D :/

Last paper! Striving hard!

MIA.

I know I've disappeared for about three weeks maybe? But well.. too many things happened within these three weeks, I'm just so so soooo tired. 

On 28/10, Monday 2 weeks ago, one fire sprinkler went crazy in the building where my apartment's at. I have no idea how was it a chain reaction or whatever, it caused ALL the fire sprinklers directly under that unit to be activated and yeap, you may have guessed it, my apartment was located directly 2 floors below that apartment. So, the apartment was soaking wet. Or should I say its like a flood? Idk how to describe it any more. On that day itself, my housemate, Trang and I were given a choice to stay in a hotel or to stay in that building until the repair work is done, which they told us was approximately 3 days. We chose to stay in  the building near our apartment so they gave us a studio room (a studio room is a room for 1 person, so 1 single bed, 1 small table, 1 chair). I slept on the floor but took the table and Trang slept on the bed. This continued for 2 weeks instead of the promised 3 days. And! We have to pay $100 everyday for that tiny studio. They said that we'll get back the money but there is no proof! Until today, its $1500 already. Imagine paying that for damages that is not my fault!

Yesterday, after our exams, Trang called and asked the agent about the progress of the apartment and know what, we were chased out of the studio room because the agent received a call from the tenant saying that he wants to move in asap so we cannot live there any longer. We had to move our things from this room to another studio located 2 buildings away. Fml seriously. Lack of sleep, so tired, hungry and we have to move all these shits.

And now they are telling us that our apartment will be ready this week. We don't even want to believe what they are saying. We've believed them so many times and got disappointed one day after the other. Now, we're just hoping that everything will be back to normal before I go back to Malaysia. 

* * *

Exam stress. Final exam week and I don't even have a proper study table. Take that! And I don't have a kitchen, I can't even cook my food, have to go out to tabao everyday. I really feel so sad for myself sometimes. The amount of junk I am feeding myself. We don't have internet in the apartment, we have to go to school or the state library everyday. I'm surviving on less than 500mb of data for a month dude, how pro is that?! And studying just doesn't get better because Trang and I are just distracting each other. Its true that we got closer, which is a good thing but then again, we are just demotivating each other in a way or another. 

Honestly, at times like this, I'm so jealous of Trang. Her boyfriend will either tabao outside or cook himself and come all the way just to pass the food to her. When she needs his help, he comes straight away. When she lost her job, he was there as well. She's lucky, despite having to go through all these shits, she has someone to talk to. Me, don't say boyfriend lah, friends, some don't even want to listen, some don't even care because everyone's having their exams right now, I don't want to annoy them and nobody has time to listen to crap like this. My parents nag me even more commenting on things I should or should not do - I know it is out of love but I am not a kid any more, ok? In the end, people think I'm just a complainer because I had to take it all out in Twitter.

* * *

And things back home doesn't seem that good either. My uncle from the USA flew back few days ago and my uncle in Australia is flying back again next Monday. And I will be leaving next Sunday. Everyone is going home. Everyone needs to be home. Because the doctor said... we should be ready.

Yesterday evening, there was so many things on my mind I couldn't even prepare for my next paper which is tomorrow. I know I shouldn't be like this but the amount of stress! Its just crazy you know? I'm so sick of all these. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason but isn't this just..... too much? 

I don't know what to do any more. I look old, I look sick, I look like I'm crashing any moment now. I just... can't be bothered any more. Even for my final exams - I don't care any more. As long as I don't fail that's all. *sigh* The things in life....

Re-gr-et.

Week 12 this week.
Last week of the semester. Or should I say, last week of my second year as a pharmacy student.

I realized that my life here is pretty dull. I don't go out much and I've never been to anywhere besides Melbourne city. Its either I have no time or nobody wants to go explore with me because they have already been there or they're just too lazy to move their bums around. Too late to think about it this year since I've already made up my mind to go home this year, I shall look forward to a more interesting year next year :) Next year I am determined to go out more often! Shouldn't waste my 4 years here doing nothing and not exploring this land down under. I know I'll regret it so bad in the future.

And I guess its because of that that I dont even have anything to talk about. Everyday I am happy about the same old thing, I am worried about the same old thing, I am doing the same old thing, I am eating the same old thing. I should be grateful but I guess its not the life I would choose to live.

And again, I'm scared. The way they always say "the days are numbered", it haunts me really. Sometimes I really wonder if 4.5 weeks is actually that long because I feel like I have the need to be back home again. Things are not going that well and I'm worried. I tend to not take things for granted any more and I try to spend some time to at least skype whenever I see the online signal.

You know what I regret the most?
A week before I first left for Melbourne, I was talking with her and I said
"Family will always be there with you no matter how long and how far you are away from each other. But friends are different. If you don't spend time to nurture this relationship, you might lose it forever. So I hope to spend more time with my friends"
I regretted saying that a week after I reached Melbourne last year because I realized that although I missed my friends, I missed my family even more.
But now, I regret it even more because I actually said that to her. I guess at that time I didn't realize the fact that friends grow old with you but the family in general are ageing while we're still growing.

And yea, I know what you're thinking. Its one of those emo-zhihan-days. I guess it is given that I've been having insomnia for a few days now. If only everything would be better right after a good night's sleep, if only pixie dust do exist, I hope it'll take all my fears away.

Return.

Its time to go back to my life in Melbourne. Honestly, I can't say I don't miss it because I really do. I am glad that I have the chance to come back for 11 days and I'm glad that I was able to help out in some ways.

I don't want to say goodbye. It will be so hard this time. Although its only 7 weeks this time but I am sure it will feel like 7 years. We don't know if we have the time. I don't want to be prepared. I want to be able to come home and see your face all the time.

我不舍得。

不舍得道别，更不舍得离开。

因为。。

我不能确保这不是最后的道别。

I've been really teary since this morning. And it was worse than when I first left for Melbourne last year. Because this time, I don't know what to expect when I come back. I know I am being too negative, being too stubborn but then again, I can't force myself to believe that everything will be the same.

I guess what I can say now is,

"Let's fight against the odds."

I'll do my best to be more positive and I hope you will believe in yourself too. I promise I will skype you more often. I promise I will call home once I have time to spare.

I hope, we can all go and enjoy our family trip together this December.

Stay strong :')

Of Hellos, Smiles and Joy.

So..

If you see someone who looks like me on the streets in Klang, don't come and tell me you saw someone that looks like me, just go up and say hello because it is me. Lol. Hello peeps, I'm back in Klang :)

Decided to buy a last minute flight ticket to fly home and spend my holidays here, with the people that loves me the most.

I walked through the door and she didn't manage to recognise me because she thought it was impossible. It took a while for her to take in that I'm back, I'm actually back home in person. Everybody knew I was coming back besides her. I guess she was really surprised but I am not sure how she felt about it besides being surprised. Haha!

At the same time, I realized that I couldn't recognise her as well. She became so skinny and so fragile. So much so that it scares me. And what happened that night scared me even more. To see my grandmother cry was quite heartbreaking. Thinking that such a strong woman like her would cry when we're still trying to be as calm as we could. It is all.. just... heartbreaking.

Spending more time with her is the best thing that I can do. But under STUPID circumstances, I feel so reluctant to even go over to the house. Urgh. Just hate it all. But I am willing to give my best to fight the disturbance and at least try to spend more time with her.

I'm glad I bought the ticket home. At least I did something. At least I know, I am already capable of looking after her :')

Time, please don't pass too soon. 

对不起，我玩不起

I finally cried. After keeping it in for so long I finally cried.

I cannot play games like this. I can face any challenge, be depressed and forget about it but I cannot face this. Don't take away someone who is so dear to me. At least not now. Give everyone a few more years, please? I cannot do this. I just can't. Thank you to those who told me to be strong but I'm sorry, I admit I can't be strong at times like this. Every line in the conservation is stabbing right through my heart. The pain is unbearable. 

It is scary to know how so much can change within a few months time. Please tell me its not time yet. Please tell me there's still months left. Please don't say its weeks. Please say its months or better, please let it be years. I don't want to say goodbye. Not just yet. 

I know this is not something we can control. But I still hope it won't end like this. Please wait for me to go home. Please, just please, at least wait until summer. I beg You. Please don't take her away. Not yet.

Please be with me. Don't force me to grow up this way. I am not ready.

Please don't give up the fight.

You can't lose, because we can't lose you.
I cannot bear the pain of losing you.

I miss you so so so much!

I wish you can hear me now, I want to tell you I love you.

Always have and always will. 

:(

Ok, I emo liaoooo. 

My uncle and his family flew back to Malaysia last Saturday. NOBODY KNEW. Like seriously nobody knew that until they pressed the door bell of the house in Klang. ERMAHGERD! I super emo liao. Why didn't they bring me alongggg? I dont mind travelling in the luggage! Lol! Ok, no, I should say, why don't my parents do that to me huh?! I wake up one fine morning, somebody came and rang the door bell, I open the door and see my friends/family standing outside my door.... and I will probably screaaaaaammmmmm of joy and excitement! Lol! Surprise surprise!

Ok, I know I'm just being crazy. I just finished 2 tests and I'm half dead. But even with my half asleep body, I still managed to clean the toilet, kitchen and my room and also changed my linens. I feel like a pro. Lol. But  I feeling even more tired now and I have to go to work in 2 hours.

Its week 8 now. I am hmmm... 7 months closer to home then when I just got here on the 1st of March. Haha! Melbourne has been nice to me so far, its just the studying that's killing me. But then again, if I don't study, it's pretty lifeless too. That's how humans are, we complain about every single thing! I'm really looking forward to summer. Can't wait to meet everyone back home :)

* * *

On a sadder note, humans are so fragile beings. Leaving can be so easy. A person I knew passed on a few days ago. And it left me feeling sad for his family that he left behind. Although I have never been close but the fact he left is really hard to accept. Its just too sudden. I guess it just proves how each and everyone of us should cherish life and treasure the present.

Be strong, they say.
I'll say, be yourself.

Fight for what you think is worth the struggle :)

Be Positive.

I just had the most challenging week of my life. I had family matters to attend to, I had tests and assignments due and so many other things. The challenge started last Friday when my cousin Joshua (I still prefer to call him Kah Meng) and his mum (my aunt) came to Melbourne for a trip. Met up with them right after my morning class and went around Melbourne until the night greeted us. And within the week that they were here, we met up quite a few times and had quite some laughs. Feels like the good old days when he used to be my closest cousin. We used to talk on the phone for hours when he was at Perth about...8 years back. Lol. But we drifted apart ever since I started high school. Still, we (Hsuen, Kah Meng and I) always look forward to our movie outings in Penang every CNY! :) Anyways, I'm really glad they came. I hoped they enjoyed Melbourne just as much as how I loved living here as a student!

Thanks for the mooncake delivery! :D

Told my parents to get me a few mooncakes, manatau they got me four of the same flavour. Aiyoh! All lotus seed -_- Mooncakes with egg yolks won't be able to cross the immigration so I told them to get some special flavours that don't have the yolks, but still! FOUR Lotus Seeds. Lol. Okla, still, thank you! It is definitely better than nothing :D

Saturday. I spent my Saturday at my cousin sister, Rey's birthday party... As a face-painter for ALL the kids that came. Rey's the girl on the right. So yea, I drew those. I have no idea why there is a splat of black on her forehead, it is NOT a failed attempt at drawing a bird. My seagulls are really nice and elegant as you can see! :P I had a busy day drawing all sorts of face paintings for the kids. I was really glad that the kids liked them or else I'd be so embarrassed. Although I sort of wasted a study day, I am still glad because well.. Its a totally new experience. Not everyone gets to be a face-painter for the day!

Tests and assignments. Study life. Student life. Its always filled with these anyways, aren't they? More tests next week. How "awesome" I know. I know I am sick of studying but at the same time I am also aware that if I don't study hard now, I am going to regret it sooner or later!

Work. This time I'll change a line. I have plans on spending my hard-earned money now! Lol. But aiyoh, like not enough leh. At first it was just one, now have to buy two. What to do? Some people are just so demanding *gives the -,-" face* Now I understand how it feels to spend that hard-earn money. The heartache yes, but I guess it will be worth it :)

Okla, study time :) Have been really positive these few days. I hope I can keep this up!