If by Rudyard Kipling

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

Long time :)

Bellow!

It has been a loooooooong time since I last wrote something in this space.

I actually miss the days that I have time to do all these little things in life :) I actually meant that I miss the time when I actually have good wifi signal in my room. I have no idea why the signal in my room is so bad that so the last month I couldn't even load my Facebook news feed -___-

Anyways, 2.5 months since my last post and well, obviously I am back in Melbourne already and living the life I've pretty much wanted. So blessed!

I have no idea who is still gonna read this semi-dead or dead blog but I'll blog anyways! Haha!

Summer 13/14

This summer has been really unforgettable. So many happy days and so many down down days. Gained a few friends, lost a few friends. I learned to appreciate more and be thankful for all the happy days that I have. Every moment that we complain we're bored, somebody somewhere in this world is struggling to live. Don't complain that you have a lot of time because some people don't have time. Don't wait for things to happen, go and make it happen. This summer changed my perspective of so many things and most importantly, time waits for no one.

Resolutions 2014

To set things right. You know, there's this one thing that has been bugging me for 4 years. For 4 years, I have this unsolved mystery running through my mind and is so mentally distracting that I've decided to face it. Because if I don't get myself to face my problems, 4 years will become 5 and 5 years will become 6 years. So.. I talked it out. Your intentions, my interpretation, I don't know what's right or what's wrong but this time, after talking it through, I've decided to walk away. No, I'm not avoiding my problems, I'm putting an end to it. What I can say is, after gathering my guts to do all this, I felt better. So much better. And so much happier. Because I no longer have to keep it all inside me and let it rip my mind to a zillion pieces. To you, I ticked off my first resolution of 2014.

To have a happier life in Melbourne. I was sick of staying at home everyday because none of my friends wanted to go out with me to explore places that I've never been to. So I've decided that this year, I'll work harder and I'll go enjoy the perks of studying overseas. Not just the perks of having my own room -_- But what I am most thankful for is that one of my good friends, Shao Qian, came to Melbourne. Honestly, life isn't that boring anymore. Although he stays quite a distance from the city but at least its not an 8-hour flight away. With a friend like him, I did so many things I've never done in my last 2 years in Melbourne and that was just my first three weeks back in Melbourne. I am so thankful for that. Hopefully there's more of these eventful days to come :) Tick #2!

About Me.

Heard of #prayformh370 ? A plane that was supposed to fly to Beijing that disappeared out of radar. It really is shocking how we can never expect what will happen next. The heartbreak of the family members for their loved ones on MH370. Its really devastating. For me, I still have a lot of planes to catch. Especially 8-hour ones to go home. It amplified my phobia for flights by a million folds. *big sigh*

I'm sorry to friends whom I have not been contacting or replying your messages for some time. I'm not giving excuses, I really am sorry. Sometimes its really "out of sight, out of mind". Sorry!

So.

I end my updates here lah! And keep my fingers crossed for more updates to come :)

04.01.2014

On this day, I lost a person that meant a whole lot to me. I lost my aunt. I lost her to lung cancer.

As My Aunt

I guess some people may be wondering - "its just your aunt, why are you so upset?" The answer is, although she is my aunt but the way she loves me, or should I say every single one of us, is like we're her children. Will your unmarried aunt, quit her full-time job, just to stay home to fetch you to kindergarden because some-naughty-kid-slammed-the-door-of-the-school-van-on-your-6y/o-hand-and-it-bled-and-worried-your-parents-AND-you're-too-old-your-nanny-doesn't-want-to-take-care-of-you-any-more? My aunt did. Although that was not the only reason but after quitting her job, her main responsibility became taking care of my sister and me.

Since my car-door-nearly-chopped-my-fingers incident, my aunt was the one that picked me up from kinder everyday and that was 1999. She continued doing that until I went to Melbourne in 2012. Not only that, she was the one who drove me to attend all my tuitions, St John trainings, outings with friends yada yada yada. On the eve of my St John competitions, my team and I would spend the night at her house where she would help us with all the uniforms and everything all the way till midnight. Competition was stressful for her just as it was for me.

When I was still in school, it was either morning school or afternoon school. My parents will have to be late to work if they had to drop me at school and at the same time, they didn't want to leave me at school alone too early. So in the end, my aunt volunteered to drop my sister and I at school everyday. The problem? I was in the morning session and my sister in the afternoon. Even that, she picked us up like our personal chauffeur and she never complained. There were also years that I stayed at my aunt's house instead of with my parents. Just like child care, I will go home on weekends but stayed throughout weekdays. I remembered having an allergic reaction one night while I was staying with my aunt. I went to her room in the middle of the night with a swollen arm and she freaked out so bad, she and my parents drove me to SDMC at 1 or 2am. 

She's an angel. She loves not only me, she loves all her siblings and every niece and nephew she has. If there's any problem that we can't solve, she'll be there. To help us in every way she can. She'd always put us before herself. Everything she did, she would have already thought how it would impact us and consider the consequences.

*

Her Story

My aunt was diagnosed with an ovarian tumour in 2008. We all thought she was gaining weight and did not pay much attention to her until... it hurts. When she finally went to a clinic, the doctor thought she was 5 months into pregnancy until she mentioned that she wasn't married. She came back with the news that she had a 11 inch tumour.

I couldn't remember the details of what happened but I know that her reproductive system was removed and the tumour cells tested positive for cancer. Started chemo therapy and she lost her hair. Even when she was weak from chemo, she wore a hat and drove me to school and for my tuition classes. At that time, she lost so much weight and became well.. my size except chubbier. The tumour cell counts fluctuated for the next few years that she had to come and go to the hospital every year or two for chemotherapy. Her last chemo session was 26th of February 2013, 2 days before heading to Melbourne with me.

It hit me hard when I knew she had lung cancer in April 2013. When diagnosed, it was already quite late. The cancer stripped her of her chubby figure.. again. Feeding her with more pain and suffering. By the time I rushed back in September, she was so skinny I was sure the wind will blow her away. Like seriously. At that time, she could still walk, talk and still eat proper food. It was so hard to say goodbye because I don't know whether it will be my last time hugging her.

The last 1.5 months. I came back on the 24th of November. She was even skinnier. Its like her bones were wrapped with only a layer of skin and nothing else. I was heartbroken. I took care of her throughout the day. We all had shifts. I always took the morning 7am - 11pm shift. I am not kidding, for me and my sister, our shifts are 16 hours long. And my youngest aunt will take the night shift which is actually even more tiring compared to our 16 hours. I helped her with her food, her bath, cleaning after her and almost every other daily routine that you can possibly think of. Yes, I clean the portable toilet too. So yes, I did everything.

*

Walking Towards The End

As her carer, I can see how fast her body is deteriorating. It was really jaw-dropping. About 2 weeks after I came back, she decided that she's too weak to even frequent the toilet (hence, portable toilet) and she has to be wheeled to her room which is less than 20m from the living room. And around that time, she started giving up on rice. It was substituted with porridge.

Another week later, around mid-December, my aunt decided that she has to be dependent on the oxygen-machine. Her lungs could no longer cope with the low concentration of oxygen in the air we breathe. She became more depressed and easily agitated - which could have been a side effect of the endless amount of medication she was consuming. She was given steroids to strengthen herself and guess what, it actually worked! (for 3 days) She was strong, she was cheerful, she was happy and so were we. 

On the 23rd of December, we took her to SDMC for tapping of the abdomen. To get the fluid out of her bloated abdomen to "ease" her pain. 4.5L of fluid was taken out and guess what, she felt worse. The procedure weakened her so much more. She slept more often and she dreaded the time that didn't pass. By Monday, the 29th of December, she became bed-bound. She decided that walking and even sitting was too much for her to handle. She stayed in bed all day, either sleeping or watching tv. The amount of food that she requested became lesser and lesser. Morphine was requested more frequently that it should be administered. We all started crying every time we enter her room because looking at her suffer is such a heartbreaking thing. It was so hard to endure. And she said she wanted to go. She wanted to sleep and never wake up. She wanted to leave us because the pain was too overwhelming for her.

Sleeping at night was a problem. She couldn't sleep for more than an hour. She was restless. If you asked me how I spent my New Year's Eve, I'll tell you, I spent it with my aunt, I took both day shift and night shift that day. I watched dramas with her all the way till 5am. She was the first person that I wished Happy New Year to.

By 2nd January, she started refusing food. Drinking only small mouthful of water. No input, no output. By 3rd of January, she was... different. She could no longer talk. Her eyes started staring and never blinked. She flung her hands all over the place and couldn't stop kicking the bed frame. It was suspected to be the side effect of the morphine as she was dosing herself a bit more frequently than required. She stared. Stared into the unknown. That night, I held her hand, in tears, I said to her "Thank you for your love all these years, I love you" and all she did was stare into the space behind me, and pulled her hand away from my grasp. It was really a stab in the heart because I didn't know if she could still recognise me. 

On the 4th, her eyes were closed throughout the day. The arms and the feet never stopped moving but her mind... I think it might be failing. I was supposed to meet a friend at noon and go for my hospital attachment shift at 9pm. I am glad I rejected both. Because she left us that night. Around 10.10pm, she opened her eyes for one minute and every single one of us gathered around her. She looked at us and took her last breath. I didn't even know that was it. I looked at my youngest aunt taking away the oxygen tube and froze right there, right then. I broke down. I couldn't believe that was it. I couldn't believe that she actually left. The aunt that I wanted to take care of in the future decided that she didn't want my care and left. I couldn't stop crying. 

*

The Funeral

That moment when every single memory we had together all came rushing into my mind. I cried even more. I literally did not sleep that night. The living room was filled with blankets and pillows for almost everyone put a night there, to be with her on her last journey in life. We all sat by her, crying and praying at the same time. In the morning, when the people from Xiao En Memorial Park came with the tents and everything, I looked at the house, I remembered the time when my grandfather passed away exactly 10 years ago. The tents will be up, the prayers into the night, the people who will come and pay their respects.... But after 3 days, the tents will be gone and the house will have one less person.

On the second day after her passing, I woke up, freshen up and went over to my aunt's house. I walked passed the tents, walked passed the people, walked passed the coffin in the living room - I repeat, I walked passed the coffin and thought to myself "oh, I haven't wished ah yi good morning" so I walked to HER ROOM and waved my hand while smiling so widely and I realized that I was waving to air. She wasn't there and her bed wasn't even there any more. It was a really heartbreaking moment. I walked passed the coffin and forgot she was in there. I forgot that she left...

Looking at the coffin in the living room. Looking at my aunt in there. It was a real pinch. As childish as I may sound, I kept hoping that she would wake up. Throughout the three days, I kept telling myself that its not over, she will wake up and it will all be a dream. Even with tears in my eyes, I didn't want to except the cruel truth that she is no longer with us. Every time of the day, when I miss her, I walked to the coffin and talked to her, hoping that she did hear every word I said. My cousin brothers were such sweet boys, Jiaxun - the older brother, asked me if GuGu will be in a better place if he copied mantras and sent them her way. Jiasen, the youngest, pulled me to my aunt's side and told me that he wanted to sing for GuGu, he asked if she would be able to hear him singing and would she wake up if he sang for her. It was so hard for me to hold back the tears.

Cremation. The day came for her cremation. Before they sealed the coffin, we all left flowers. When I left mine, I felt the cold and stiffness of her body. Still, I couldn't accept it. All the way to Nilai, I looked out the window, trying to remember everything about my aunt. And that's when I realized, I never knew what she liked, I don't know what food she liked, I don't know what clothes she liked, I don't know what she enjoyed doing during her free time. I only know her favourite colour and what she does best - taking care of everyone. Besides that, every weekend, we would go out together. For as long as I can remember, the 5 of us, my family and her. Every weekend without fail. I will miss those outings so much. Nothing will ever be the same without her.

The day we went to collect the bones. I looked at what my "Ah Yi" has become. Fleshless bones. All crushed and filled into a marble vase. At that moment, I know, its over. I can no longer lie to myself. She will no longer be with us in person but I hope she will stay in everyone's heart, forever.

*

Life After Losing Her

This house, how I first remembered it - it used to be such a merry place. I would be here after kindergarden, if my aunts weren't working, they would be here to play with me. Or if they were, then my grandmother will help me with my shower and everything. In the afternoon, my grandfather will be home and I would fight with him to watch Disney Channel. In the evening, all the adults would come back from work. The house would be so loud and noisy. We will sit and have dinner together. Back then, my sister and I were the only children in the house.

Slowly, my uncles started having families of their own and started moving out one after the other. My grandfather left and that big house accommodated only two of my aunts and my grandmother. Now, there's again, one less to accommodate.

The silence is so hard to bear. My aunt used to walk around the house doing all the chores and running all the errands. Now, everyone has to do a part to keep this house alive but in the day, this house is just.. different. Ah yi's things are no where to be seen. They took away her things too fast. Most of her things were either taken by us who could fit or wanted as a memory of her. Those that were not taken were given away as donations. I was again, forced to let ago another part of her. Actually, what most of us got used to was the sound of her oxygen machine - it had a special rhythm when its operating. Its like life lost when we started sinking into all the silence in this house. 

I don't want to forget that such a wonderful person once existed in my life. I blame myself for not being able to remember how she looked like when she was healthy. Even photos couldn't help me because the change was too drastic. I never regretted staying by her side for the 1.5 months that I was back here in Klang. I took care of her in the way that I could and I did my best. My aunt showed me how to love. Or another way of saying it - how much love I had. Seeing the amount of love I could pour for my aunt, I know I will be able to take good care of my loved ones in the future.

Ah Yi, you have touched my heart so deeply, I assure you, I'll keep you in there forever.

You will always be with us, you will be deeply missed. 

Love you, always.

The End of 2013

You have been a good year to me.

All the ups and downs I had to go through, every single one of those lessons taught me so much. Maybe even more than what I'm expecting to get from you.

Thank you.

January taught me to be happy and to appreciate the good times with my friends and my family. I remember saying "January was great. A good start to this new year".

February taught me how to appreciate the presence of my loved ones and most importantly, how to say goodbye. Goodbye has never been easy and we all know that. But most of the times, I guess we have to say goodbye so we can actually look forward to our next meet :)

March. I was taught to be more easygoing. We can't always be calculative. Being calculative kills literally every single relationship. I chose to let myself be happier and for my friends to be more joyful.

April told me that not everybody is given a chance to go for their dreams. I tried so hard looking for a job but none of fruitful. So now, I am trying to grasp my chance at everything. If I want something, I guess I'll have to make my move instead of waiting, and waiting and wait some more. 

May said to go out more, to explore and to widen my horizons. Oh, and definitely time management. I definitely tried more things than last year. Went out so much more often to chillax rather than just complaining about the work I had to do. I guess it was a better move.

June taught me to weigh the risks and benefits of everything I have to do. There are pros and cons in everything we do. There are some risks that we have to take, as long as we know that at the end of the day, we are happy with our decision :)

July wanted me to communicate better with others. Be patient, be more tolerant. Communication is the key to maintaining better relationships. And it really works, because I'm pretty close to my housemate now, compared to how we used to be :)

August gave me a job at a restaurant. I faced so many new challenges in this month. It was so tiring. Really really tiring and pretty stressful at the start. But I told myself, I needed the money. I also needed the experience. Not only that, I told myself, I cannot waste my time watching dramas any more. I should do something about it.

September showed me that life is fragile. Time flies and people change. The person that I last saw in March has become a person that I could not even recognised after half a year. It shook me hard when I realized that, when I go home one day, I will not see her at home any more. I was taught to be strong.

October came just as harsh as September. October said life shouldn't be easy. There are down-hills that I have to go through despite the consequences. I have to brace myself and pull my socks and get myself over hurdle after hurdle. And I still believe that everything happens for a reason.

November, november. November gave me the chance to be nice to myself. Enjoyed a meal out now and then, enjoyed a few day trips with my friends and most importantly, I was happy. Happy to be able to enjoy the good days after the bad.

December. The most important month. December taught me to love. To give more and take less. To do things out of love instead of responsibility. To be able to care for myself and at the same time care for those I care about. I find this lesson the most important one of the year. 

2013 has been a great year. Thank you. Thank you so much :) And now its time to close the book.

So.. 2014, I guess I am ready for you. I hope we'll get along really well. If not as well as 2013, then I hope its better! I'll see you in 45 minutes! :D

My thoughts in 40 hours.

Ok, maybe I had a 30-minute nap in between but generally I was up for 40 hours. I, myself, am impressed :P

I'll skip my family time and go straight to my night shift at Hospital Tengku Ampuan Rahimah. Its my first shift this summer but it already feels pretty familiar. The place, the wards and the atmosphere. By observing the patients and their family members, it always tells me to be thankful for what I have. To be happy with the life I was born with. To feel lucky to be able to afford slightly better healthcare. And for most parts, I am still trying to overcome my fear of blood. I am trying really hard, trust me. 

KPS's Area Competition 2013.

This is my first time attending Area Competition, not as a competitor that is. I've been promising to go since 2010 but I've never went because I had SPM Moral paper (2010), I went to the States (2011) and I had to balik kampung (2012). So finally, after so many years, I went for it. 

You know, I felt just as tensed as if I was a participant. Believe it or not, we don't know what to expect. Whether or not our juniors will be able to cope under the stress. A junior once told me "Senior, did you know the amount of stress that we are under? So far, no teams from Kwang Hua failed to enter competition, I hope our team will not be the first to break this tradition". What they didn't know was that there were quite a number of teams from Kwang Hua that lost in the past. Teams that were forgotten just because they lost and didn't get to give it a second try.

We have always been saying about how KH has always been winning and it is not as exciting and as worrying as it used to be back when we were competing because at that time, we had so many good competitors to go against. Our seniors always told us "eh, you must be careful of Bukit Kuda, MGS, STAJ and Raja Lumu! They have the best seniors and you must be prepared to compete with schools that were taught by officers and ex-state com participants". At that time, our seniors were only Area and State competitors but they did their best to teach us everything they can.

And honestly, the best part of yesterday was the winning of Batu Unjur's Nursing Cadet team. Congratulations :) Yes, its saddening that our cadet team lost by a mere 0.43% but when I think about how I won the State Competition by 0.25%, I decided to believe that its just purely luck. I was really sad to find out about the minute difference in the final score but what done, is done. Think of it more positively, SI is not the only competitor we have now. And seriously, other schools should now brave up and join area competition. You were given a real-life proof that KH does not always take the gold, we, can lose too. 

I am not saying this because I've never lost. I'm saying this because I lost more than any of them. I was lucky enough to be hand-picked by my seniors to represent KH and we were lucky enough that at that time, joining competition was a huge thing in KPS that we were treated like their most prized possessions. But my team, we never failed to disappoint all those friends and officers who placed their hopes on us. That's the worst stress to cope with - disappointing people who trusted you. 

Positive stress is always needed. If not, we will eventually start to take things for granted. Winning is not a given, neither is it a choice. I can't say there isn't effort but I'll say, maybe we need a little more luck, or maybe, others had a better chance.

In the end, everything happens for a reason.

Don't question the reason but take it to go another milestone.

Best wishes to all Kwang Hua-rians :)

Home.

Time flies ah flies.

I've finally moved back to my apartment. Finally really! *tears of joy*

It was ready right before our 3rd paper and we have to clean and rush to move hours before the paper. How awesome eh?

Here's a look of my crazy room. Lol. It was so messy when I moved everything back. It is still messy now but I can't be bothered to clean already. At least not until next week. Lol.

Before and after in 30 minutes. Including changing the bedsheets, pillows and vacuum-ing the floor. For now, I'm just gonna stay in this pig sty. Who cares :P

One more paper and then its freedom babeh.

And.. I can't believe that I am flying home in a week's time. Why so soon?! Honestly I am going to miss Melbourne so much. I wanna stay here longer. But oh well, some things are jut unavoidable :/

Wokays, time to go study now. I want to get more than just a "pass". I hope I can at least get a distinction. High distinction jiu suan liao but at least a D :/

Last paper! Striving hard!

MIA.

I know I've disappeared for about three weeks maybe? But well.. too many things happened within these three weeks, I'm just so so soooo tired. 

On 28/10, Monday 2 weeks ago, one fire sprinkler went crazy in the building where my apartment's at. I have no idea how was it a chain reaction or whatever, it caused ALL the fire sprinklers directly under that unit to be activated and yeap, you may have guessed it, my apartment was located directly 2 floors below that apartment. So, the apartment was soaking wet. Or should I say its like a flood? Idk how to describe it any more. On that day itself, my housemate, Trang and I were given a choice to stay in a hotel or to stay in that building until the repair work is done, which they told us was approximately 3 days. We chose to stay in  the building near our apartment so they gave us a studio room (a studio room is a room for 1 person, so 1 single bed, 1 small table, 1 chair). I slept on the floor but took the table and Trang slept on the bed. This continued for 2 weeks instead of the promised 3 days. And! We have to pay $100 everyday for that tiny studio. They said that we'll get back the money but there is no proof! Until today, its $1500 already. Imagine paying that for damages that is not my fault!

Yesterday, after our exams, Trang called and asked the agent about the progress of the apartment and know what, we were chased out of the studio room because the agent received a call from the tenant saying that he wants to move in asap so we cannot live there any longer. We had to move our things from this room to another studio located 2 buildings away. Fml seriously. Lack of sleep, so tired, hungry and we have to move all these shits.

And now they are telling us that our apartment will be ready this week. We don't even want to believe what they are saying. We've believed them so many times and got disappointed one day after the other. Now, we're just hoping that everything will be back to normal before I go back to Malaysia. 

* * *

Exam stress. Final exam week and I don't even have a proper study table. Take that! And I don't have a kitchen, I can't even cook my food, have to go out to tabao everyday. I really feel so sad for myself sometimes. The amount of junk I am feeding myself. We don't have internet in the apartment, we have to go to school or the state library everyday. I'm surviving on less than 500mb of data for a month dude, how pro is that?! And studying just doesn't get better because Trang and I are just distracting each other. Its true that we got closer, which is a good thing but then again, we are just demotivating each other in a way or another. 

Honestly, at times like this, I'm so jealous of Trang. Her boyfriend will either tabao outside or cook himself and come all the way just to pass the food to her. When she needs his help, he comes straight away. When she lost her job, he was there as well. She's lucky, despite having to go through all these shits, she has someone to talk to. Me, don't say boyfriend lah, friends, some don't even want to listen, some don't even care because everyone's having their exams right now, I don't want to annoy them and nobody has time to listen to crap like this. My parents nag me even more commenting on things I should or should not do - I know it is out of love but I am not a kid any more, ok? In the end, people think I'm just a complainer because I had to take it all out in Twitter.

* * *

And things back home doesn't seem that good either. My uncle from the USA flew back few days ago and my uncle in Australia is flying back again next Monday. And I will be leaving next Sunday. Everyone is going home. Everyone needs to be home. Because the doctor said... we should be ready.

Yesterday evening, there was so many things on my mind I couldn't even prepare for my next paper which is tomorrow. I know I shouldn't be like this but the amount of stress! Its just crazy you know? I'm so sick of all these. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason but isn't this just..... too much? 

I don't know what to do any more. I look old, I look sick, I look like I'm crashing any moment now. I just... can't be bothered any more. Even for my final exams - I don't care any more. As long as I don't fail that's all. *sigh* The things in life....

Re-gr-et.

Week 12 this week.
Last week of the semester. Or should I say, last week of my second year as a pharmacy student.

I realized that my life here is pretty dull. I don't go out much and I've never been to anywhere besides Melbourne city. Its either I have no time or nobody wants to go explore with me because they have already been there or they're just too lazy to move their bums around. Too late to think about it this year since I've already made up my mind to go home this year, I shall look forward to a more interesting year next year :) Next year I am determined to go out more often! Shouldn't waste my 4 years here doing nothing and not exploring this land down under. I know I'll regret it so bad in the future.

And I guess its because of that that I dont even have anything to talk about. Everyday I am happy about the same old thing, I am worried about the same old thing, I am doing the same old thing, I am eating the same old thing. I should be grateful but I guess its not the life I would choose to live.

And again, I'm scared. The way they always say "the days are numbered", it haunts me really. Sometimes I really wonder if 4.5 weeks is actually that long because I feel like I have the need to be back home again. Things are not going that well and I'm worried. I tend to not take things for granted any more and I try to spend some time to at least skype whenever I see the online signal.

You know what I regret the most?
A week before I first left for Melbourne, I was talking with her and I said
"Family will always be there with you no matter how long and how far you are away from each other. But friends are different. If you don't spend time to nurture this relationship, you might lose it forever. So I hope to spend more time with my friends"
I regretted saying that a week after I reached Melbourne last year because I realized that although I missed my friends, I missed my family even more.
But now, I regret it even more because I actually said that to her. I guess at that time I didn't realize the fact that friends grow old with you but the family in general are ageing while we're still growing.

And yea, I know what you're thinking. Its one of those emo-zhihan-days. I guess it is given that I've been having insomnia for a few days now. If only everything would be better right after a good night's sleep, if only pixie dust do exist, I hope it'll take all my fears away.

Return.

Its time to go back to my life in Melbourne. Honestly, I can't say I don't miss it because I really do. I am glad that I have the chance to come back for 11 days and I'm glad that I was able to help out in some ways.

I don't want to say goodbye. It will be so hard this time. Although its only 7 weeks this time but I am sure it will feel like 7 years. We don't know if we have the time. I don't want to be prepared. I want to be able to come home and see your face all the time.

我不舍得。

不舍得道别，更不舍得离开。

因为。。

我不能确保这不是最后的道别。

I've been really teary since this morning. And it was worse than when I first left for Melbourne last year. Because this time, I don't know what to expect when I come back. I know I am being too negative, being too stubborn but then again, I can't force myself to believe that everything will be the same.

I guess what I can say now is,

"Let's fight against the odds."

I'll do my best to be more positive and I hope you will believe in yourself too. I promise I will skype you more often. I promise I will call home once I have time to spare.

I hope, we can all go and enjoy our family trip together this December.

Stay strong :')

Of Hellos, Smiles and Joy.

So..

If you see someone who looks like me on the streets in Klang, don't come and tell me you saw someone that looks like me, just go up and say hello because it is me. Lol. Hello peeps, I'm back in Klang :)

Decided to buy a last minute flight ticket to fly home and spend my holidays here, with the people that loves me the most.

I walked through the door and she didn't manage to recognise me because she thought it was impossible. It took a while for her to take in that I'm back, I'm actually back home in person. Everybody knew I was coming back besides her. I guess she was really surprised but I am not sure how she felt about it besides being surprised. Haha!

At the same time, I realized that I couldn't recognise her as well. She became so skinny and so fragile. So much so that it scares me. And what happened that night scared me even more. To see my grandmother cry was quite heartbreaking. Thinking that such a strong woman like her would cry when we're still trying to be as calm as we could. It is all.. just... heartbreaking.

Spending more time with her is the best thing that I can do. But under STUPID circumstances, I feel so reluctant to even go over to the house. Urgh. Just hate it all. But I am willing to give my best to fight the disturbance and at least try to spend more time with her.

I'm glad I bought the ticket home. At least I did something. At least I know, I am already capable of looking after her :')

Time, please don't pass too soon. 

对不起，我玩不起

I finally cried. After keeping it in for so long I finally cried.

I cannot play games like this. I can face any challenge, be depressed and forget about it but I cannot face this. Don't take away someone who is so dear to me. At least not now. Give everyone a few more years, please? I cannot do this. I just can't. Thank you to those who told me to be strong but I'm sorry, I admit I can't be strong at times like this. Every line in the conservation is stabbing right through my heart. The pain is unbearable. 

It is scary to know how so much can change within a few months time. Please tell me its not time yet. Please tell me there's still months left. Please don't say its weeks. Please say its months or better, please let it be years. I don't want to say goodbye. Not just yet. 

I know this is not something we can control. But I still hope it won't end like this. Please wait for me to go home. Please, just please, at least wait until summer. I beg You. Please don't take her away. Not yet.

Please be with me. Don't force me to grow up this way. I am not ready.

Please don't give up the fight.

You can't lose, because we can't lose you.
I cannot bear the pain of losing you.

I miss you so so so much!

I wish you can hear me now, I want to tell you I love you.

Always have and always will. 

:(

Ok, I emo liaoooo. 

My uncle and his family flew back to Malaysia last Saturday. NOBODY KNEW. Like seriously nobody knew that until they pressed the door bell of the house in Klang. ERMAHGERD! I super emo liao. Why didn't they bring me alongggg? I dont mind travelling in the luggage! Lol! Ok, no, I should say, why don't my parents do that to me huh?! I wake up one fine morning, somebody came and rang the door bell, I open the door and see my friends/family standing outside my door.... and I will probably screaaaaaammmmmm of joy and excitement! Lol! Surprise surprise!

Ok, I know I'm just being crazy. I just finished 2 tests and I'm half dead. But even with my half asleep body, I still managed to clean the toilet, kitchen and my room and also changed my linens. I feel like a pro. Lol. But  I feeling even more tired now and I have to go to work in 2 hours.

Its week 8 now. I am hmmm... 7 months closer to home then when I just got here on the 1st of March. Haha! Melbourne has been nice to me so far, its just the studying that's killing me. But then again, if I don't study, it's pretty lifeless too. That's how humans are, we complain about every single thing! I'm really looking forward to summer. Can't wait to meet everyone back home :)

* * *

On a sadder note, humans are so fragile beings. Leaving can be so easy. A person I knew passed on a few days ago. And it left me feeling sad for his family that he left behind. Although I have never been close but the fact he left is really hard to accept. Its just too sudden. I guess it just proves how each and everyone of us should cherish life and treasure the present.

Be strong, they say.
I'll say, be yourself.

Fight for what you think is worth the struggle :)

Be Positive.

I just had the most challenging week of my life. I had family matters to attend to, I had tests and assignments due and so many other things. The challenge started last Friday when my cousin Joshua (I still prefer to call him Kah Meng) and his mum (my aunt) came to Melbourne for a trip. Met up with them right after my morning class and went around Melbourne until the night greeted us. And within the week that they were here, we met up quite a few times and had quite some laughs. Feels like the good old days when he used to be my closest cousin. We used to talk on the phone for hours when he was at Perth about...8 years back. Lol. But we drifted apart ever since I started high school. Still, we (Hsuen, Kah Meng and I) always look forward to our movie outings in Penang every CNY! :) Anyways, I'm really glad they came. I hoped they enjoyed Melbourne just as much as how I loved living here as a student!

Thanks for the mooncake delivery! :D

Told my parents to get me a few mooncakes, manatau they got me four of the same flavour. Aiyoh! All lotus seed -_- Mooncakes with egg yolks won't be able to cross the immigration so I told them to get some special flavours that don't have the yolks, but still! FOUR Lotus Seeds. Lol. Okla, still, thank you! It is definitely better than nothing :D

Saturday. I spent my Saturday at my cousin sister, Rey's birthday party... As a face-painter for ALL the kids that came. Rey's the girl on the right. So yea, I drew those. I have no idea why there is a splat of black on her forehead, it is NOT a failed attempt at drawing a bird. My seagulls are really nice and elegant as you can see! :P I had a busy day drawing all sorts of face paintings for the kids. I was really glad that the kids liked them or else I'd be so embarrassed. Although I sort of wasted a study day, I am still glad because well.. Its a totally new experience. Not everyone gets to be a face-painter for the day!

Tests and assignments. Study life. Student life. Its always filled with these anyways, aren't they? More tests next week. How "awesome" I know. I know I am sick of studying but at the same time I am also aware that if I don't study hard now, I am going to regret it sooner or later!

Work. This time I'll change a line. I have plans on spending my hard-earned money now! Lol. But aiyoh, like not enough leh. At first it was just one, now have to buy two. What to do? Some people are just so demanding *gives the -,-" face* Now I understand how it feels to spend that hard-earn money. The heartache yes, but I guess it will be worth it :)

Okla, study time :) Have been really positive these few days. I hope I can keep this up!

A race against myself.

They say you are the enemy to yourself. Because, nobody else knows how much you want it, nobody else knows how far you are willing to go for your dreams. Only you know that, and only you stand between you and your dreams. Everything else is just some random obstacles that you will face along the route to your future.

I am having a race against myself, a race against time, a race against who I want to be.

- this is my calculator cover, if you are wondering -

At first I thought that it was because I am working now, that's why I feel the need to race against time for every single thing but I guess that might not be the case as most of my friends who are not working are also facing the same situation.

I don't know how much I want this, I don't know how far I can go but I will go as far as I can. People kept telling me to quit my job because I am starting to get really stressed. But the fact is, if I quit now, I have 20 hours extra to slack every week. What is the point? I know myself well when it comes to slacking. I need something to push me on. I need to feel the stress to keep going.

I need to do better.

I need the family to know that they can have one less person to worry about.

Life has always been a race, isn't it?

And we should not stop fighting.

* * *

The rich and the poor.

强

陈姿含，你这也太强了吧？！

有人比你还失败吗？！

One of the worst nights in my student life.

I am in such deeeeeeeeep shit.

Stressed.

Really stressed.

I can't sleep.

Idk what to expect tomorrow.

Please don't fail me!

.

再忙也好我觉得握有必要告诉你们我还活着！

活得好好的！ : )

My life now evolves around study, work, eat and sleep.

This week is a very busy week. So many classes and so many assignments which are due this week. Next week is so much easier and less stress because there's only one test and no class on Thursday and Friday! I can't wait really :)

Ok, should get back to studying now. I must do better!

“时间过得真快。。。

。。。转眼又来到了课外活动的一天。 这个星期六又课外活动，谢谢！”

Lol.

That was what my primary school's "副校长" will say every second Monday during the assembly. Never changed, not even once throughout the years he was in charge of the co-curriculum. Haha! Memories, memories :P

But yea, TIME, WHY SO FAST? Okla, time only passes really fast when I am out of the lecture hall. When I am in the lectures, time is crawling like a snail. My attention span is really short, like 5 minutes only. I can only pay attention when lecturers introduce the lecture, after that, I enter my "wander"land. Sien ahhh!

I think my dad bought my ticket back home. It is definitely something to look forward to :) It won't be that long, since half the semester is almost gone already. Half a semester nearer to the final exams! CRIES! I miss the people back home. They have been strong. They have been fighting hard. I wish I was there.

To end this post, here's a video. Production of Pink Pte Ltd! *APPLAUSE!*
ShaoQian wrote the lyrics when we were two weeks away from our final exams. He showed me the lyrics and I nagged him for wasting time on such silly things. Who knew he said he wanted to make a video out of it, I responded "I confirm support you. Go study lah!" manatau he got better results than me and really did make a video out of it towards the end of our winter break. Lol. *nofaceliao*
***
The beginning was kinda lame but the second half was quite touching in the sense that it was part of everyone's memories together. Really, I know I will never meet anyone like them ever again in my life. The Pinks (used to be Yellows - we changed shirts! LOL!!) are the people whom I shared my ups and downs with in St John. We tease each other, we curse each other, but at the end of the day, we all laugh together. We're all walking different paths now but I guess, what's most important is that we all shared the same memories. The best memories in our high school life :) Miss you guys a real lot!

Wow.

Wednesday - Chicken Day. You cannot imagine how crazy it is to work in a kitchen on the day when the week's load of chicken comes in. Ermahgerd. But nice boss is nice boss. Although my name is spelt wrongly but hey, they don't speak chinese, so its good enough! :D This was what I got after work, a bowl of tomyum soup, a bowl of Thai version of "tang yuan", mango and chocolate. Wow. I was kinda shocked. I guess I'm lucky to have such nice bosses. Lol.

Yea, sure, I work like a "gu li", work until I'm completely worn out and I'm underpaid, but I guess not one job is perfect :) Hopefully I can juggle between my studies and work well. I need to push my limits and be better! 

More.

My Saturday was rather eventful I guess. I joined the Great Melbourne Race with YenJun. We thought it was a team of 2 people and we were so excited about it. Manatau when we went to the Arrow On Swanston yesterday, they sorted us into another group. A group of 5. Tbh, that morning itself, we wanted to play, have fun and TRY to win. Aiyoh. No more loh, because the rest in our group sort of took it slow and not-so-steady. But I guess it was fun in the sense that we got to meet new people :) We got to do silly silly things and laughed together. It was a pretty awesome day :DD

A picture after the race. Look at my tired face and messy hair while YenJun looks so fresh and energized! Haha!

Finally! I got a taste of Wonderbao! 

Taro Bao, Nai Wong Bao and Braised Pork Belly Gua Bao! *yums!*

I want Lao Sha Bao! Lol! Miss it like madddd!

Heard of Wonderbao last year, wanted to go and try it but Idk how and why, I managed to resist it. But the urge to try came back last month and I finally brought myself there to give it a go. It was a little pricey and yea, it was overrated. It was such a big deal on Urbanspoon. The baos were  really nice, but not super-uber-duper awesome until I lose myself.

My uni work is slowly starting to pile up. I am pretty screwed and its only the second week of the semester. Whoopsies! Time to pick up pace. Where's my sense of time management when I need it?! :/

累垮了

Second day at work.

I stink of stir-fry, curry, onions, garlic, deep fry etc.

My back aches from all the standing/bending/turning.

I am physically + mentally tired.

But the best part of the day is when I receive my pay at the end of the day! :)

Today's I mean yesterday was my second day and honestly, I've never done any of whatever I've done in these two days for the past 20 years of my life. It is all eye-popping, jaw-dropping, head-smacking stuff. So, this is how its like to work in a restaurant kitchen. I've learned a whole big deal, seriously.

But its all so energy consuming! Have to really learn how to juggle between my studies and work now. Reaching home at 12am for 3 days straight with classes early next morning is quite harder than I thought. I couldn't wake up for my class yesterday morning -_- And homework/assignments! No more excuses to slack I guess.

Anyways, its already 1.15am now. Should start working on my assignments while I'm still determined. Hopefully I don't hover my mouse to my drama folder and start watching unproductive stuff again! Must make this work! The feeling of being able to at least support part of my expenses is really awesome :)